Being a partner in marriage is hard. Nobody has to tell us that.
And it doesn’t get any easier when we have kids.
We really have to work at it.
It’s our relationships with the ones closest to us that are helping us grow ourselves into who we desire to be.
And growth is hard. It’s easier to stay where we are.
But we all know remaining stagnant is no way to live either.
We have to work it if we want it to work.
When my husband and I are not in a good place.
The whole family feels it.
We may think being just okay is okay. But it isn’t. The kids feel it and we can’t just go on like that, going through the motions.
Having kids call us to be better.
We know they learn by what they see and feel. Our energy speaks louder than our words. They are learning how to love and be loved in a relationship by what we are showing them.
So we have to work it, even though it’s hard.
We may first blame our partner.
He’s not connecting. He’s not making time for us. He’s stressed about his life and that’s rippling off to me. He is getting irritated about everything.
I’m not responsible for this, am I?
Then I remember, we can only love others as much as we love ourselves.
I have to work on me if my relationships aren’t working.
I don’t have time for that. But we HAVE to make time.
All the people in our lives are mirrors, especially the ones closest to us. Reflecting back something that is already inside us, a belief, a wound that hasn’t healed, a lie about us that we believed.
Whenever we get into a negative mindset, of him against me, separate from me. We have to pause right there.
Take a breath. Get present. Make a shift. And affirm, its not them. It’s me.
In the book A Return to Love, Author Marianne Williamson reminds us that nothing happens to us, everything happens through us.
If I am feeling hurt or blame, it’s something within me that needs to heal. It’s not the person outside of me. Sometheing they said or did just stirred up something inside me. Others are just the messengers reflecting back something that I believe about myself that isn’t true and doesn’t serve me and needs to change.
“The world changes when we change. The world softens when we soften. The world loves us when we chose to love the world.” – Marianne Williamson
If we want our relationships to shift, we have to change.
Our marriages and our relationships with our kids are tough because they aren’t going anywhere. We can’t walk away. We can’t avoid it. We have to work through it and we are better for it.
The people in our lives our gifts teaching us, and helping us grow. If we aren’t seeing them that way, we have to make a shift.
7 Ways to Work It to Make it Work
- Gratitude, Gratitude, Gratitude. We can’t say it enough. It’s the gateway to joy, happiness, all the good stuff. Express gratitude and it’s easier to find more of it. Notice what is going well and express thanks for it. This is how we connect to love and all that we desire in our life. Make it a practice and see it grow.
- Know your values. Values run deeper than goals. Values align with the essence of our being. Sitting down and writing out your values is such a powerful exercise. Here are three core values come from Marianne Williamson that I love and practice as much as possible, especially when I’m not feeling the love within me and in my relationships:
1. Choose love, not fear – If it doesn’t feel good inside me, it is fear based. We can always choose love by becoming present getting here now and choosing love
2. Choose abundance, not lack – We can choose to look at everything going wrong, or we can focus on what’s going right. What we focus on grow
3. Choose oneness, and separateness- If I think we can hide what we’re feeling or or that another’s hurt doesn’t hurt me, it’s a lie. There is only oneness.
With these values at heart, we can ask for a miracle, a shift in perception to see what’s in front of us differently. To see what we are meant to learn and take a step toward it in love.
- Create time for Connection. Find a time to connect and talk without interruptions with yourself and with your partner. Start with wherever you are now. Maybe once a week is a goal or once a day. The more you do it, the more you look forward to it. Spice it up when you can, just carve in the time. We have to make time for the most Important things and the relationship with your partner should be at the top, even above kids and work and friends. And take time to connect with yourself. You know how it is, when you’re not feeling good, you don’t feel good about anyone else either. Practice your MAMAHH Moments
- Dream Together. With the day-to-day busyness of being a family, we can forget this one. We have to hold the vision for what we desire. The kids won’t always be there, their activities won’t always be ours. We have to keep dreaming about where we are going, how we are growing together, and what we see for ourselves. It’s exciting and we know what we dream can be realized.
- Extended Hugs and kisses. Hug a little longer. Allow it to be a moment of true connectedness. We don’t touch as much as we should. Extended hugs are a great way to connect and touch. Don’t make a kiss something to check off your list. Really kiss and enjoy it. Remember that?
- Say No, Even to some of the Important Stuff. We are all busy and our days are full. We have to choose to fill it with meaningful stuff and that means we have to say No. I love JOMO. The joy of missing out. Sometimes we say yes to so much because we are worried about what others will think of us when we say no. Nobody is judging you. Say yes to THE MOST important and see how good it feels.
- Work it. Our relationships are the most important work. It’s not meant to be perfect all the time. If we want to grow, we have to work through the hard stuff. It is coming up to teach us something. We can listen to the whisper and make a shift or wait for something bigger happen and have it bang us on the head. Do the work and feel the flow.
When we work it, it works
When we make a shift, return to love, we experience harmony in our relationships and in our lives.
Keep your values at heart, express gratitude for what’s going right, and keep affirming and believing in what you desire for your relationships and your family.
Happiness and harmony is yours. You just have to do work and the happiness and love and joy is actually in doing the work. That’s where all the good stuff lies.
It’s not a place we’ll reach, it’s in the work. There is love there.
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